4 Universal Guy Theories on Picking Up Women

published 5 June 2010

Most "universal guy theories" resemble the following: The world is flat, Earth is the center of the universe, amputations are easier with a swig of whiskey. Unlike those preposterous theories, men fail to develop new theories that actually work.

Universal Male Theory is passed around via various vehicles: dads/uncles/brothers, older guy friends, men's books and magazines. Here are some common "guy" theories on picking up women:

Unattractive Friend Attention

One tactic guys swear by is spending time with a hot girl's unattractive friend, as an indirect approach to hitting on the hot girl. The rationale:

- Look like you're not shallow about looks

- Appear to be one of the few guys giving her unattractive friend attention — unattractive friend's hot friend will be happy for her

- Take advantage of the hot girl being used to getting the attention so she ultimately vies for your attention

- "Warm up" and slowly slither, working your way into the group of the hot girl's friends so you can eventually talk to the hot girl

Girls have a version of this rule; my friend Margaret told me that her mom preaches: "Be nice to the short guys because they might have nice tall friends."

The "Jedi Mind Trick"

Named after the spiritual tactic of Jedi warriors in the Star Wars series, the Jedi Mind Trick requires persistence and the sincere belief that you can will a girl into going along with your wishes. To employ the Jedi Mind Trick, simply walk up to a girl and tell her what's going to happen. Strangely, it's worked almost every time I've tried it. I'll tell a girl:

"You know, we are going to make out tonight."

...and it works! But there's a chicken-and-egg thing at play here: Do I use the Jedi Mind Trick after I'm sure it will work, or does it work regardless of the situation?

The Party Crasher

To party-crash, you must be either organically unaware that you're in over your head, or (if you are aware that you're in over your head) act like you're in total control and you're justified to be there.

My dad introduced me to this theory. While on vacation, we were looking for a tennis court. We wandered over to the posh resort (we were staying at the adjacent cheap resort), which had an oasis of amazing courts surrounded by an intimidating fence. My dad found an opening in the fence, and we entered. While we were warming up, my dad told me:

"Just act like you're supposed to be here, and security will leave us alone."

It worked.

This guy, James, on my soccer team party-crashes our team because he's the worst player I've ever seen. When the ball goes his way, we literally hold our breath. He'll be facing forward, and swing his leg, but the ball defies physics and squirts at an awkward angle toward our own goal.

My question: "Why would anyone want to participate in an activity that they were bad at?" (which explains why I rarely hit on girls). He must not realize he sucks — he just goes out there and plays, blissfully ignorant of being a disaster on the field.

I had a discussion with the other guys on the team recently. We think James must pick up lots of hot girls. If he is oblivious to the fact that he sucks at soccer, he can apply the same philosophy to picking up beautiful women. He can walk up to a girl who is totally out of his league and go for it, even if she's (in reality) too good for him.

He assumes he's on a level playing field with everyone else, regardless of the facts. It makes you wonder, Who does this guy think he is? but you can't help but respect it at the same time. That's a lot more than I can say, considering I convince myself something bad will happen, I don't deserve it, or I'm not good enough.

There's (at Least) One in Every Crowd

Many guys proposition women in the bar all night until one of the girls accepts. If a guy asks 100 women on a given night to go home with him, he assumes at least one will. I am working the opposite way: asking one girl and hoping for 100% success. Sad.

While us guys make and test theories, you get to sit there and laugh at our attempts. I wonder if our pickup tactics even make much of a difference.

Have the above tactics ever worked on you? Did you know that guys have these "universal theories"? What tactics/theories do women have about guys when it comes to meeting and "picking guys up"?

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