How to Deal with the Top 6 Sexual Fears

Lovelies:

Loyal readers of this blog know that I am a bit neurotic, a bit insecure, a bit low on self-esteem. I worry about getting older, my intelligence, my success (or lack thereof). I worry about my looks, especially my teeth and the wrinkles under my eyes. I worry all the time if I will ever, ever, ever fall in love. I worry about whether my novel will ever, ever, ever get published. Strangely enough, the one thing I don't worry about is being hot in the sack. I feel like sex is a bit like playing frisbee: You frolic and you laugh and you screw some stuff up and you get sweaty and you look a little idiotic now and then--but it's all fun and games, good clean fun. And there's no equipment needed, except for a little plastic disc.

But since a lot of people don't feel as footloose-and-fancy-free as I do when it comes to these things, I thought it would be worth doing on a post on people's top sexual worries. So I talked to my friend Carol Queen, Ph.D., a sex educator and co-owner of the fantastic sex shop, Good Vibrations, which sells adult toys, and asked her to tell me what concerns people most often have when they turn to her. Here's what she had to tell me.

#1: Men worry about the size of their penises.

#2: Women worry about having orgasms.

#3: Both sexes worry they don't want sex enough.

Regarding #1: I like a good rogering. And yet I've never been with a man whose penis was too small. I don't recall any of my lady friends complaining about micro-peni, either. Which is to say that I think the vast majority of men are just fine, penis-wise, and that for the most part, there's nothing to worry about. In fact, over the years, I've heard friends complain about penises that were too long or too big--and therefore painful--but not about any rinky-dinky ones.

Regarding #2: Any woman with this concern really needs to spend quality time with her vibrator and get back to me. (Do I need to do a post on my favorite vibrators? Okay, then--fine! Wonderful! Stupendous!) Knowing what you like and how to get yourself off will help you tell your partner what to do--and it can also help you do the extra-good stuff for yourself while your partner is doing you. So, if you haven't used one, try it out. And if you haven't used one in the presence of your partner, give that a whirl too.

Regarding #3: As long as you explain to your partner why you don't want it (because you're tired, stressed, whatever--reasons that have nothing to do with how attractive you find him or her), that shouldn't be a huge problem. Try not to be defensive--and also be extra-sensitive, since your partner might feel rejected.

#4: People worry about their attractiveness.

"In our culture, we aren't shown images of a wide range of people--of all ages, races, body types, and so on--being happily sexual people," says Carol. "That encourages us to think attractiveness is very narrowly defined and that those of us who aren't conventionally attractive won't have much access to sexual partners. This is a problem for women in particular--and in particular, we women are sent the message that we get less attractive as we age. The reality is, people of every size, shape and age can be sexually fulfilled. So people with this worry need to focus on believing that they deserve pleasure. The more pleasure they enjoy, the more likely others will find that infectious--and attractive."

Also, I think watching foreign films can help us understand that people of all sorts of ages, shapes and sizes can be quite sexy. For instance, in Bergman's late great film Fanny and Alexander, there's a beautiful relationship between two older people--one that is clearly (but tastefully) sexual.

#5: People worry about their sexual abilities.

As Carol says, "What everyone needs to overcome this is just some good information and some practice!" (She also notes that Good Vibes sells sex ed videos on its site.)

I think practice is great--although I think it's also key to be with someone you trust and feel good around. If you can't find someone like that, stick with your vibrator, your hand, your fingers ... until you find someone with whom you can relax. When sex is good, you're just as relaxed and comfortable as you are worked up ... if you ask me.

#6: People worry about communication with partners.

Poor communication probably creates, or at least fuels, all the other fears listed above--and I think if you can talk through any concerns, worries or feelings you have regarding sex, you'll come out on top. (Or on the bottom, if that's where you want to be.) As Carol says, "Few of us are taught or encouraged to talk with partners or potential partners about explicit issues. If there's a sexual issue between a couple, it won't go away on its own; it will need to be resolved through communication. That can be very scary and threatening, but if a couple already communicates about sex a lot, and is comfortable talking through other issues of couplehood that come up, issues are much easier to discuss and resolve."

Of course, communicating about sex is easier said than done. But let's think about this way: If you were at a restaurant, you would order according to what you liked and didn't like--and if something came that wasn't appealing, you wouldn't eat it. You'd probably get something different. You'd feel no compunction about explaining to the waiter why you didn't like it. Why should sex be any different than food? Both eating and having sex are (or should be) wholesome activities which help us survive--and we like what we like, we don't like what we don't like, and while some of our tastes may be unusual, nothing is weird. So ... talk about it!

Yes?

Folks, what do you think? Was this helpful? Do you think we're missing a common sexual worry here?

xxx

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