Acting Like A Viking Got Me Rejected

Last weekend marked yet another futile effort at getting a date. It all took place on Preakness Saturday at a brunch birthday party for my friend.

After finishing brunch, we were having a few drinks. I sauntered over to a table where a really cute girl named Jessica who was talking to her roommate and three of my buddies (these three buffoons would figure into the story later).

I thought Jessica was cute as soon as I walked in. This does not explain why I started talking a porn I had written in my head with my friend Luke. Luke and I are not a good combo. We egg each other on, and horrible thoughts that lurk in the depths of our mind somehow make it out for discussion. With Luke at the table, what should have been a one and done sentence about my porn turned into a full scale discussion.

We moved to another bar, and I pulled my three friends aside: Luke, Jason (my buddy from college), and Bryan (my buddy from high school). I told them I thought Jessica was cute, but thought I had ruined my chances because of our porn discussion.

My "counselors" convinced me otherwise. Luke stated:

"Oh, she loved it. She was giggling the whole time. She was like: 'oh, you're so bad...but tell me more.' When women don't like something, they walk away."

I should have known not to listen to advice starting with "when (all) women..." But, after getting "counseled," I decided that my porn discussion had not damaged my chances. What transpired next may have done the trick...

At the next bar, there were a bunch of beer-pong tables. When I get with my friend Jason as a beer-pong partner, I get really obnoxious. On top of this, because I have sisters, I treat women the same way I treat men in competition, whether it's baseball, badminton, bowling...or beer-pong. I have a whole mental game too. Getting under their skin causes them to lose concentration, thus ruining their performance.

As Jason and I took the table against Jessica and her roommate, we declared University of Delaware dominion and started sinking shots. With each shot, I peppered them with banter, infuriating them. By the time Jason and I had defeated them, a beating similar to Vikings raiding and pillaging a peaceful seaside town, Jessica was telling me to "get away from her." She also smacked me.

After this terrible display, my hubris got the better of me. In true Viking fashion, I approached Jessica's roommate and said:

"now watch me get Jessica to go on a date with me, after I've dominated her in beer-pong and pissed her off."

Her roommate gave me a look that implored me to abstain from such an obnoxious endeavor. I ignored it and pressed on with my quest.

Somehow I was able secure a private moment with Jessica on a bench next to the beer-pong tables-a truly romantic spot. I said:

"so we should go on a date next week."

Her response was incredibly confusing:

"I don't go on dates."

"So, you don't like dating at all?"

"I just don't do one-on-one things. I like things like this-in groups."

There was no arguing with this. I had been defeated, and persuading her to think differently would have looked even more horrible.

I reported her strange rejection to my "counsel" and they were equally befuddled:

"...then what does she do if she doesn't go on dates?"

"How does she get to know a guy then?"

"Maybe she doesn't like guys."

My theory is, because we are all friends, she found a graceful way to tell me she wasn't interested. It would have made more sense to us if she said: that I was ugly, obnoxious, or looked too poor to date. But "I don't go on dates," was much more tactful, albeit confusing.

Because it was Preakness weekend, my counsel and I stopped at the off-track betting place (perhaps one of the shadiest places on God's green earth) to wager on some horses. We had so many tickets between us, we were sure we were going to win. However, none of us bet on the filly, Rachel Alexandra (the first filly to win the Preakness since 1924), to be one step ahead of all the male horses on the track. Like Rachel Alexandra did to those horses, Jessica had confused all us guys. Every gamble of mine that day was foiled by a gal!

What do you think was the worst thing I did that turned Jessica off? What's the worst or most annoying thing a guy did before trying to ask you out? How can I improve?

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