Body Betrayals On Dates

Some say the human body is a miracle, the epitome of creation. I would argue against this. Upon further review, the human body can be downright disgusting.

My body betrays me during intense moments on the spot, such as first dates or fancy nights out. Here is a list of the ways my body betrays me and makes me look disgusting to my date:

Constant Nose Running

Nose running is intensified by hot/spicy food or cold weather. It's really tough when you're at a nice restaurant where they only give you those fabric napkins. I can get away with blowing my nose on paper, but blowing a snot wad into one of those fabric napkins is pretty foul. Another volatile thing about a runny nose is if the snot is thin it runs fast, and sometimes falls off before I even get a chance to stop it. Even if I can get to the bathroom, and do my best cleaning 

job, sometimes there is crusty residue or "bats in the cave". I actually feel a little less awkward when my date just points out my boogers. At that point, the gloves are off and it's all out in the open.

Sweat

The night of my senior prom, I was on the phone with my buddy and together we counted out our licks of deodorant together: one, two, three...all the way to thirty. Thirty licks of deodorant for prom night! Body odor does not usually plague me but I fear it. If I ever smelled body odor emanating from under my clothes, I'd just shut down the date and head home. Lately, also, I've been getting puddles under my pits. When this is happening, I just sit there like I'm in a straight jacket. I've been testing out different deodorants lately because I can't even handle one drop of sweat under there-it freaks me out.

Breath

Why do I insist on eating garlic earlier in the day before my dates? It must be some sort of self-sabotage because garlic takes about 24 hours to exit from every pore in my body and get off my breath. There are certain things out there that you can eat that don't respond to toothpaste and mouthwash and they just leave your breath on their own time.

Dry Skin

The other day I was sitting in my boss' office, and the whole time I was leaning down and scratching the hell out of my leg. He finally stopped me and asked me what the problem was. When I get dry skin, I look like I have fleas and I just can't stop scratching-not a very attractive thing to do on a date.

Gastrointestinal Drama

I am one of the most nervous and defensive crappers in the world. For this reason, there are only a handful of bathrooms that I feel comfortable crapping in. The only public restrooms I'll use are in my office. Every other bathroom has to be some residence. One time I was out with some friends and begged my friend to use her apartment to crap-she lived across the street. So, if I'm on a date and I have to go, I'll either find a way to go home or just not do it and suffer through it. Luckily, I have practice-I once held it from Tampa to Baltimore driving-about 20 hours, when I was little. Another drama that takes place in my stomach is gas, which somehow seems to rear its ugly head every time I'm doing something important. I never fart in public. I have fears of everyone pointing at me and accusing me. Holding it does make me uncomfortable during a date as I'm sitting there, bloated not giving the gas anywhere to go.

Spraying It

I usually don't do this, but when I'm drunk sometimes I spray it instead of saying it. Luckily, when I'm nervous, my mouth is a bit dry and there's not much spit to spray. The worst is when food particles fly out during dinner. Again, one of these things that your date should just call out and laugh at. Covering it up is just as awkward as the act of spraying!

Most of this stuff is manageable with proper maintenance and preparation. Of course, there are always emergencies. What kind of body betrayals do you go through, and have you had any horror stories happen? Have you been on any dates where the guy's body betrayed him?