Language Lessons: How To Speak Male During A Breakup

Remember language classes, where the teacher attempted to steer you away from translating between languages word-for-word? Well, I really sucked at learning foreign languages. I couldn't grasp the idea that I had to just immerse myself into the language and stop thinking of everything in English terms.

Women and men certainly speak different languages. Most of my life has been spent trying to understand what women mean when they say things. I've applied the Foreign Language Rule to females: don't translate what they say word-for-word into Male.

Now that I'm not trying to see everything in Man language, I have been able to translate two very confusing and common breakup lines from women. If I can continue to figure out how to translate like I have done with these two lines, maybe some day I will become fluent in Woman.

Breakup Line #1

"I Need Space"

How a Male Translates It To His Language: So she still wants to be together, but she wants space? How are we supposed to have space suddenly when our relationship was built on being close to each other? Is it going to be awkward when she decides she doesn't need space anymore? Does she want to sleep with other guys? Why is she being so vague? What is causing the need for space? How do I give space? Do I cut down to one call a week, one date a month?

What the Female Actually Means: I'm sorry, but I need some control back in my life. I need this relationship to be on my terms. I really don't know if you're going to be around at the end of this phase or not, but if you don't give me the space I'm asking for, your chances of being around are going to be greatly reduced.

Male Versions of This Line: "I don't want to be in a relationship right now," "I want to spend more time with my friends," "I'm kind of tired of you."

How to Say It So a Male Understands It:

"We need to breakup/stop seeing one another for a while. I'll give you call when/if I'm ever ready to re-visit this."

There are very few guys who will understand the concept of space. Do women even understand what space is in a relationship? Just be fair, and don't tell someone who wants to be close to you that you need space in order to remain together. That's just too ambiguous. Besides, last time I checked, geniuses like Einstein were the only ones capable of understanding space.

Breakup Line #2

"I love you, I'm just not in love with you anymore."

How a Male Translates It to His Language: Ok, so she still loves me. So, I guess I can stick around and she'll eventually fall back into love with me. I mean, she just said right there that she loves me. She'll come back around.

What the Female Actually Means: Hey, it happens: I've fallen out of love with you. There is no more spark, or excitement. It's nobody's fault. I just can't see you as a love interest, but I think you're an amazing person and I never want to lose you as a friend.

Male Versions of This Line: "I have been wanting to have sex with a lot of other women lately."

How to Say It So a Male Understands It:

"I'm sorry, but I no longer have romantic feelings for you anymore. I would love to remain friends, but let's give it some time so we can do so when we are both ready."

This line bothers me more than any other line. Please, stop saying "I love you" while breaking up with someone. It is so confusing and vague. My second favorite President, Clinton—so entertaining (my favorite President was Polk because he got so much land for America) was just as vague when he said:

"That depends on what the meaning of the word is is."

Don't speak like a lawyer/politician when breaking up with someone.

Just be honest.

How many of you have used any of these lines, or know someone who has? Please correct me if I've missed something in translation. Have you used any breakup lines that guys just couldn't grasp? Do you think the crux of the misunderstandings are that guys see things in black and white and girls see things in grey as they say? And, honestly, what do you mean by space when you ask for it? And what do you mean when you say that no longer in love with you line?