Yes, Men Are Struggling—But Dismantling Women's Progress Isn't the Answer

Whether it’s Mark Zuckerberg lamenting the “culturally neutered” workplace, or a new State Department appointee arguing that “competent white men should be in charge,” the anti-DEI coalition clearly shares a motivating belief: that women’s progress has cost men, and the only way forward is to dismantle it.

Self-interested? Absolutely, but not in the way you think. The Zucks and the Trumps have nothing to personally gain from getting rid of DEI policies; they’re already some of the most powerful humans on the planet. But they have an awful lot to gain from strategically sowing discontent in our already fraught gender relations. That gender war keeps our attention occupied, “flooding the zone” while they wield their power unchecked.

Or, to put it bluntly, they’re lying to us. But I’ll tell you the truth: reversing women’s progress—by dismantling DEI, or otherwise—will do absolutely nothing to help the vast majority of men. And if we continue to fall for their con, we’ll all be worse off.

These very rich, very powerful men have tapped into a very real resentment that’s been brewing for decades. When it comes to gender relations, our economic reality has flipped. In 1980, white men without a college degree made more than the average worker; today, they make less—and college-educated women make more.

That economic shift is entangled in a social one: the dating drop-off. As men and women diverge politically, academically, and economically, fewer of them are getting married—a decline that’s happening twice as fast for Americans without a college degree. It’s no wonder that one third of Republican men believe women’s gains have come at their expense.

Combine that antipathy with modern-age-induced anxiety and depression, and you get a bleak outlook for young men. Women may be understandably reluctant to admit this, lest it take away energy and attention from women’s fragile progress, but there is no denying the facts: Men are hurting. They're dying by suicide at four times the rate of women. They’re dying of overdoses at a rate two to three times that of women. They bear the burden of the loneliness epidemic, too, with 15 percent of men saying they have no close friends—five times more than in 1990.

So how does dismantling progress for women and non-white people solve the systemic crises men face—their loneliness, their deaths of despair, their (relatively) dwindling economic and romantic prospects?

It doesn’t.

In fact, the hyper-masculine culture that Trump and his ilk push can actually compound these crises: research shows that men with deep-seated beliefs in gender norms, like machismo, are more depressed, anxious, and angry. Because of that same shame and stigma, men are less likely to seek help with their mental health, perpetuating a cycle of struggle impossible for any individual man to break.

Men aren’t suffering because women are working. It’s because the singular script men have been taught all their lives—if you work hard, you can provide for your family—no longer universally applies. For better and for worse.

The answer, then, isn’t to undo our progress. It’s to redo men’s scripts—and write some new ones.

Yes, women have been systematically denied opportunities for generations, but so have men. Men and women alike expect boys to fulfill certain expectations of masculinity, which shuts them out of certain jobs, experiences, and even emotions.

When I was building Girls Who Code, I thought a lot about women who wanted to be engineers or software developers, but had never seen someone like them in those roles. They didn’t have the scripts. But now, when I look back, I think about the boys’ scripts. Did they need someone to give them a cultural permission slip to pursue a profession historically held by women? Should we have built Boys Who Nurse, too?

And even though I now lead an organization called Moms First, I’m thinking about the dads’ scripts. Only 13 percent of employers provide paid paternity leave to all of their male employees, and there are “unspoken rules” that keep men who do have paid leave from taking full advantage. Yet fathers who worked from home during the pandemic loved the newfound time they got with their children; one survey found that more than two-thirds of dads felt a closer connection with their kids. Dads need a new script, too: one that expands the definition of what “providing for your family” really means.

And, of course, I’m thinking about my sons’ scripts. I want them to know that they can cry, be vulnerable, confide their dreams and fears in the people closest to them, all the things I’ve always done with my girlfriends without thinking twice.

At the end of the day, it comes back to choice. If men want to be bodybuilders, or farmers, or tech bros who actually want to be astronauts, they should do it! But like women, they deserve the right to choose—another career, another lifestyle, another way of being a man.

These attacks on our progress are just a shiny object, a catch-all for everything Trump doesn’t like, a racist and sexist culture war to distract us from the wars worth waging. If we can see this con for what it is, maybe we can write new scripts for men and for women—and turn the tides on the real issues Americans face. Until then, let's not fall for it.