Prince William Thinks Queen Elizabeth Is a Pretty Badass B*tch Based on This Charming Little Essay

For glorifying his queen and grandmother Elizabeth II, expert apple polisher Prince William will receive

£20 in his birthday card this year

a pinch on the cheek

one free pass the next time Prince Charles orders him to do the dishes

Two days after alerting the public to a parakeet in the palace gardens, the official royal Twitter account announced that the Duke of Cambridge has written the preface for Elizabeth II: The Steadfast, a new page-turner about abhorring wedges and smiling broadly in the company of famous, attractive men.

"The Queen's kindness and sense of humor, her innate sense of calm and perspective, and her love of family and home are all attributes I experience first-hand," the flatterer gushed, making us all feel like the "I only like you when you give me cookies" kid. "All of us who will inherit the legacy of my grandmother's reign and generation need to do all we can to celebrate and learn from her story. Speaking for myself, I am privileged to have the Queen as a model for a life of service to the public."

But like a Washington bigwig who donates to both candidates' campaigns so she gets invited to the White House for dinner no matter who wins, PW was careful to mention his occasionally sweary G-pa too, "who has devoted his life to supporting her."

Here, we have the introduction in full. Take notes, friends—maybe one of us will get ice cream out of it.