When Are You Over Someone?

December 1, 2008 6:32 AM by Rich Santos | 100 Views,  COMMENTS

The industry standard for getting over someone is half the duration of the relationship. So, if I get out of a yearlong relationship in December, according to this rule, I should be over that person by June of the next year.

I'm told by girls I know that meeting a new guy helps them get over the old one. Guys are the opposite — once a guy is single, he will take it as an opportunity to meet as many girls as possible to help him get over his past relationship.

Personally, I think getting over someone has to do with only that individual who is riding out the pain — no one else can help them with this.

I've also noticed that guys tend to hold on longer than girls do. Girls seem to be able adjust to a new life much easier, and tackle it with excitement and brightness.

Getting into a relationship with someone who is harboring wounds from a past relationship is dangerous. Bitterness, pain, and anxiety are not good feelings to have lingering when starting a new relationship. There are so many points of anxiety after we leave a relationship:

Will I ever find love?
What was it about me that made this relationship fail?
What if I see him/her in public soon?
What if he/she is with someone else already?
What could I have been doing this whole time if I wasn't with him/her?
He/she has my favorite shirt; how will I ever get it back?

So how do we really know when we are over our failed relationship?

I have found that the half-duration rule usually works. Getting over someone is gradual, but still happens in an instant. We slowly get better, then one day we have an epiphany: "Wow, I'm over this person".

Right after we are hurt, we feel sorry for ourselves and we want sympathy from our friends and family. After this process — and it's a perfectly acceptable process as long as it doesn't go on too long — we are ready to pick up the pieces and move on.

Another part of getting over someone is achieving unemotional response to their existence.

I've broken up with girls and gotten butterflies in my stomach when I so much as hear their name. When I'm cursed to be in her friendship circle after we break up I'll hear things like: "Yeah, so-and-so is coming," and I'll be plagued with anxiety. I figure out how I need to make it look like I'm happy, healthy, and doing well for myself.

Your desire to see someone goes through phases after a breakup. Right after you break up, you keep hoping you see them again so that maybe you can change their mind or rekindle the relationship. You fall asleep thinking about them, and you wake up the next morning thinking about them. Eventually, once you get past this stage, you cringe at the possibility of seeing them.

True unemotional response means not getting sad or mad upon seeing them. It is much more even-keeled when you don't care about someone than when you hate them. Hatred takes energy and effort. Maybe you wish eternal wedgies on your ex-boyfriend, or you've got a voodoo doll strung up with his name on it, pinned up in all sorts of inappropriate places.

You are over someone when you could care less if you see them, and — on top of this — wish them well, maybe even wish them well with their new significant other. I knew I was over one ex-girlfriend when I realized I wouldn't care if I walked in her having sex with another guy. In fact, I might watch because she's pretty cute.

I find it hard to believe that anyone is impossible to get over. Does anyone deserve that kind of power in your life?

Time apart from any person or situation will heal. In the beginning you wonder how you will ever get over a person and, by the time you're over them, you wonder how you ever thought you couldn't get over them.

How do you know when you're over someone? Have you ever been able to start a new relationship when you weren't over someone? Do you think that women get over guys faster, or vice versa? Is there anyone you just could never get over, or anyone that couldn't get over you? How long does it usually take you to get over an ex?

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