Can You Help Me Understand Boobs?

May 10, 2008 12:00 AM by Rich Santos | 100 Views,  COMMENTS

Boobs are an enigma to me.

Am I attracted to girls with big boobs or small boobs? 

I think the majority of guys work the way my friend Bryan works:

We were walking down Broadway together enjoying pleasant conversation.  After finishing a long story, I turned to Bryan to look at him but he was gone.  I had walked several feet after losing him.  I turned around to see him half a block behind me, staring at a storefront display, entranced.  He beckoned me:

“Rich! Rich!  You have to come see this!  Look how big the boobs are on this mannequin!”

To make matters worse, it happened to be a headless mannequin—not even a face to give it any personality.

So a lot of guys are happy with a pair of nice floating boobs attached to nothing.  Perhaps they are so taken by boobs that when they look at a girl, the rest of her disappear.

I’m finally coming around.  Big boobs don’t strike fear in me the way they once did.  I just used to think of it simply:  if they are bigger, there’s more to satisfy, so it might be more difficult to make her happy.

If that’s the case then bra sizes are like the levels from the minors to the majors in baseball:

Size A = A Farm Team        

Size B = AA Farm Team

Size C = AAA Farm Team

Size D = Major League Team

Do the boobs get more difficult to satisfy, just like the pitching gets tougher to hit as you move up through the minors and into the majors?  Big boobs make it even more overwhelming:  I am trying to satisfy this girl, and she has big boobs.

I figured if I educated myself on boobs, maybe they wouldn’t be so intimidating.  I learned that that first number—you know, the “34” or whatever—is actually not just the measurement of the actual boobs (I used to think that number maybe referred to the volume of the boobs or something—like that cone volume formula we learned in math:  cone volume =1/3 x pi x radius² x height).

I learned that there is an E that is the same as DD and an F that is the same as DDD—kind of like E Flat (honestly, no pun intended) is the same as D sharp, for all you music lovers out there.  I learned that bra sizes go all the way up to L! I finally learned how to calculate bra size:

Measure frame (the area under the boobs all the way around—I didn’t even know this was involved)

Measure around chest—bust (now this I knew was involved)

Cup Size = Bust Size – Frame Size

At least it’s simpler than that cone volume formula.

So, where does this leave us?  Basically, I’m still confused.  Add into the equation these new bras that are out there that never were around when I was younger.  These pushup, or wonderbras are just not fair.  They make every girl’s boobs look amazing.  So what happens if I’m lucky enough to bring a girl home, and brave enough to take her bra off?  They suddenly don’t look like they once did!  Wonderbras are no different than the fine print on cell phone contracts:

“If you try to end this contract early, we’ll charge you $250!”

It’s a tough world out there.  But us guys will always be intrigued by boobs because we just don’t get understand them.  In that sense, they are a miracle.

They are especially effective on us when we see just the cleavage and top of them.  It drives us crazy.  That amazing line that cleavage creates that disappears in shadow into a shirt makes every guy’s head spin.  Effectively advertised boobs show just enough to get a guy’s attention and get his head spinning.  I’ve always been put off when they seem to be hanging out too much:  wardrobe malfunction. 

So keep us guessing with boobs.  It will keep us wanting more, and wanting to figure it all out. 

And, in all honesty, boob size is not a priority for me.  I just look for a great girl—and if she happens to have big boobs, it’s an added bonus.

What are your thoughts?

Do you feel pressure to have perfect boobs? Have you ever used your boobs to get attention?  Do you ever get stuck with guys who care too much about your boobs and not enough about the rest of you?  Do you find that most guys are just clueless about boobs like me? 

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