Posted in:
July 4, 2008 11:29 AM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
Why do we celebrate
Independence Day? Because
independence is attractive. We
were not cool when we were a colony. My advice: don’t be like
the British Imperial Government pre-1776 and try to colonize someone. Conversely, don’t be like the Colonists
pre-1776 and allow yourself to be colonized.
Aside from sense of humor,
independence is the most attractive quality in a person. The paradox is that relationships are
entities that require a certain amount of dependence on one another. So how do we do this?
In some cases, nature has
figured it out. A good example where both partners benefit would be the
clownfish/sea anemone as outlined in Wonderclub.com:
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Posted in:
July 2, 2008 4:49 PM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
My obsessive-compulsive mind jumps from conclusion to conclusion (like the time I thought I had a crabs infestation just because I was itching). So, it’s no surprise that my habit of looking at girls’ toes since the summer has arrived has made me nervous. Do I have a foot fetish?
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Posted in:
July 2, 2008 2:16 PM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
Fourth of July conjures up memories of steamed crabs, fireflies, and
sparklers. Yeah, those things are kind of random, but that’s the
protocol for a late afternoon Baltimore cookout in the summer—oh, and
terrible, terrible cheap beer.
One would have to head further South to get real fireworks, but in our
earlier days my sisters and I were content to sprint around with
sparklers in hand. As the Fourth approaches, I’ve been inundated with
friends seeking advice and telling me stories about dating, and they
always take a moment to acknowledge the presence or absence of “the
spark”.
So, sparklers are lame entertainment for Fourth of July, but “the spark” is actually that rare thing we seek in relationships.
The spark is a tough thing to define, but listing some characteristics of the spark will help us get there:
- It does not occur often—we can date for years and never feel a spark with anyone
- It is something we are almost always sure of—you can’t “think” you’re feeling sparks, you usually know it’s there 100%
- It is not always mutual: it is possible for only one person in potential couple to feel a spark
- It is spontaneous: it doesn’t develop, it kind of just happens.
This is evident by the fact that sometimes friends suddenly feel sparks
after years of platonic behavior
- It can go away and come back
So, this brings up other things to consider. How do sparks make us
behave, and—more importantly—what kind of strategies can we use to keep
sparks flying in our relationships as they blossom into long term
unions or marriage?
Sparks make me do crazy things:
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Posted in:
June 30, 2008 2:02 AM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
Last week was wedding week: I went down to Dallas this past weekend
for my friend’s wedding. So, I’ve been thinking about marriage…
As more and more of my friends get into serious relationships, it’s
interesting to see the ones that get married and the ones that stay
together year after year without getting married. I wonder to
myself—when will the more serious person in this relationship get fed
up and either leave or present an ultimatum?
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Posted in:
June 30, 2008 12:28 AM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
Ever since my sisters and I were old enough to consider, we were
subject to speeches from my traditional parents who could not bear to
see us moving in with significant others before getting married. Their
rationale was that it was just a way to off getting married.
My older sister lived with her boyfriend for over two years in
San Francisco before moving back East when they decided to get
married. The two are happily married with two baby daughters.
My little sister had a tougher experience. She lived with her
boyfriend for three years, met someone whimsically during a business
trip and returned to New York resigned to change her life. She
informed her boyfriend that they needed to break up and that she was
thinking about a career change and maybe even moving to another country.
The ensuing months were definitely tense. In New York City,
where nearly every apartment is occupied, you can’t just move out of an
apartment unless you find someone to take your spot. This is also
contingent on whether you can find a new place. So, my sister and her
boyfriend decided that the most practical thing to do would be to honor
the lease.
The next three months my sister and her boyfriend took turns
sleeping on the couch. There were also times when my sister met people
out and wanted to bring them home, but knew that it would be a bad
idea.
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Posted in:
June 22, 2008 11:51 PM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
I need to figure out the high-heels dynamic. Don’t get me wrong—heels are really cute. But, I think heels can be overused and I must say I rarely notice them and I don’t know the “heels experience” that a girl can go through.
I dressed as Pam Grier one Halloween and I wore size 14 red heels with zippers on the side, purchased at Payless. The most difficult thing I dealt with that night was getting harassed by some frat boys who must have thought I was a transvestite. I contemplated using my heel as a weapon at that point. OK, so I wanted to hit obnoxious frat boys with my heel—maybe I did learn the “heels experience”.
But the issue is that girls notice shoes more often than guys do. Also, guys have a play anywhere any time mentality which can really get us into trouble if we don’t try to put ourselves into the shoes of our date.
Here is what I did wrong:
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Posted in:
June 22, 2008 11:37 PM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
I don’t like getting set up on blind dates. It’s hard enough to find someone that you’re compatible with on your own, so what are the chances of someone else figuring that out for you?
The term “blind date” already sets off red flags. Am I too picky? Is there a set of people out there that will try anything once, and gleefully go on blind dates, half cocked? I don’t think anything as complicated as dating should be done blind. Blind anything doesn’t seem right: blind test-taking? Blind fishing? Blind surgery? That may be extreme, but sometimes dating feels as complicated as surgery.
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Posted in:
June 20, 2008 3:31 PM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
I recently met a girl in a
bar and got her number. The one caveat
was that I got her number under the premise that I would help her find a job in
public relations. My sister is in PR so
I would at least be able to get this girl interviews. I still haven’t learned not to mix business
with pleasure. I began asking the girl
out on dates. I thought I could start
dating this girl AND get her a job. It
never occurred to me that she might have only wanted me as a business contact.
I took her to an Italian
restaurant in the Bowery.
We sat down for dinner,
and the girl immediately took control.
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Posted in:
June 17, 2008 9:58 AM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
I thought I understood
flirting, but it appears I have no idea how it works. Here are actions that I thought signified
flirting from girls:
- Making a lot of eye
contact
- Putting your face close to
mine when speaking
- Brushing my arm or
touching me during conversation
- Laughing at most of my stupid
jokes (I really think this takes some effort)
- In a crowded room, you a
lot of time with me and seek me out and you don’t run away from me
- Letting me compliment you
and you push for me for more compliments
- Playing with your hair
while we are talking to each other
Guys definitely notice
these subtle things—although I’ve been told:
“You’re so stupid, that
girl was totally flirting with you and you couldn’t even figure it out.”
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Posted in:
June 15, 2008 10:20 PM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
Father’s day is a reminder
of the good and the bad of separation in relationships.
When I was eight, my
parents split up. My dad had met another
woman and he moved out of our house. It
destroyed me. I spent weeks at a time at
my dad’s really depressing apartment when I wasn’t at our regular house with my
mom. His apartment was stark and not
poorly set up. He needed a wife. I felt sorry for him, but I also had a
confused sort of anger stirring around inside of me.
That period in my life was
as sad as I’ve ever been. It’s one thing
to have a bad day, or times when things aren’t going right. It’s another to have someone completely
disappear from your life. In those days,
my mom would cry in front of me and wonder why things were the way they
were.
They say actors can cry on
command by thinking of really sad things. If I were an actor, I could cry on command any time I think of the time
I carpooled with some family friends en route to meeting my mom and sisters at
the beach after I stayed with my dad. I
remember waving by to my dad out the back window, feeling emptier with each
second because this time I had him all to myself was ending. I stared out that back window and waved and
waved and did not take my eyes off my dad until he was just a speck in the
distance—and he didn’t stop waving even then. This visual is what can make me cry any time I need to.
Eventually my parents got
back together—something, I’m told, that is a very rare occurrence. Now, they are grandparents and their marriage
is happy. Aside from having to re-assure
my dad that I’m not mad at him still, I get along with them both really
well.
Is it possible that this
separation was necessary to ensure their happiness in the long run? The more I look at functioning relationships
and marriages, the more separation I see within them.
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Posted in:
June 14, 2008 2:35 PM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
The other day my friend
confided in me: she was not into a guy
who was pursuing her because he was too nice. I was surprised when I heard my own advice to
her:
You aren’t ready for a
nice guy yet. You need to get all the
jerks out of your system.
After a couple months of
dating the guy who turned out to be a jerk, things were going well for
her. They had made it through the
initial stages of everything—they were dating and comfortable. Around this time, he went on vacation with
his friends in Florida.
After his vacation, she
showed me two pictures on his Facebook page. In one, he was being straddled by some blonde girl. In the
other he was kissing the same blonde girl in a bar against a wall. Under each picture the blonde girl had posted
annoying comments about how cute the two of them were together. Why this guy didn’t think my friend would see
the pictures on Facebook, I’ll never know. Maybe he didn’t care?
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Posted in:
June 8, 2008 10:32 PM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
The other day my friend Justin’s girlfriend gave me the ultimate
compliment when she told me I was a “top tier” friend on her birthday
party guest list. It reminded me that he and his girlfriend have
achieved that great feat that I have never gotten in any of my
relationships: they like one another’s friends.
My old girlfriend Jenn was one of the most memorable friend clashers.
Justin, Jenn, Bird (yes, he looks like a bird) and I took a trip to
North Carolina. We were heading down to Jenn’s friend’s house to meet a
bunch of other people. So the four of us would be spending a total of
just over ten hours together in a Jeep Cherokee.
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Posted in:
June 6, 2008 1:39 AM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
My best childhood friend Jake and I have different views towards sex. He has a lot of it and I don’t have much. He looks at it
as a form of expression and takes part in sexual escapades
wholeheartedly. He looks at sex as a friend, an equal. I struggle to
understand it and I’m humbled by it—and I still have never given myself
up to it.
The sex thing was brought up again on a recent trip during a long car ride:
“So, Rich—how long has it been since you had sex,” he asked.
“It’s been a while…a long while,” I replied.
“How can you even do that? How do you survive?”
“It’s not like I need sex to live. Besides, I’m freaked out by everything these days: STDs, intimacy, you name it”.
Jake has probably had sex with over 40 girls. Every time I see him, I
hear a story from our post high school years involving new females:
one night stands, random encounters, etc.
He describes sex with the listless lack of emotion that a serial killer confesses to murder:
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Posted in:
June 6, 2008 1:20 AM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
Is a threesome something that you just fall into and let take you for a
ride? Or is it something that requires long-term work and
persuasion—like a political campaign?
Neither of my “chances” for a threesome really worked out:
One time we were hosting a party and two girls who didn’t seem to know
anyone showed up. They were in the kitchen with us riling us up by
telling us that they kissed from time to time. We tried the oldest one
in the book: reverse psychology (which historically never worked)
“Yeah, right. You guys don’t kiss. No way. You’re all talk.”
That’s all it took. Before we knew it, the girls were kissing.
READ MORE
Posted in:
May 29, 2008 12:00 AM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
OK, I’ve almost gotten the
Sex and the City girls out of my system. So maybe I don’t hate the girls from Sex and the City that
much. Another exercise I did was sitting
down and really thinking: which girl
from Sex and the City would I most like to date? I’ve ranked them with explanations:
Least Compatible: Miranda
This is shallow, but I
find Miranda to be the least physically attractive of the girls. I think she is a beautiful woman but I always
picture with short hair, which doesn’t appeal to me. I don’t like seriousness and
expectations. I need a wide space to
roam—and make mistakes. No-nonsense
doesn’t work for me. My mom would argue
with me though: she is desperate for
someone to come into my life and get me to start using my checkbook
register. This lucky girl would have to
help me find my check register first though.
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